First appearance: Book 1 - Dungeon Crawler Carl · Class: Party Leader · Race: Cat (Enhanced Growth Buff)
Full name and title
Princess Donut the Queen Anne Chonk
Breed: Tortoiseshell Persian. Former owner: Miss Bea (Carl's ex-girlfriend). Titles earned in the dungeon: Grand Champion Best in Dungeon, Former Child Actor, Legendary Diva, #1 Ranked Crawler. Level 135 by Book 7. 47 billion galactic followers. The title grows every book. Donut documented the full progression herself. It is below. You are welcome.
I am Princess Donut the Queen Anne Chonk
Before the dungeon — before all of this — I was a pedigreed, award-winning show cat. I belonged to Miss Bea, who was perfect. Carl was Miss Bea's boyfriend. Carl was not perfect. Carl's main skill was being tall and breaking things. This has not changed.
I spent my days watching Lifetime, HGTV, and The A-Team. I was CULTURED. I understood narrative structure before I could talk. When I could talk, I told Carl this. He said "Goddammit, Donut." He says this a lot. It is not my problem that Carl cannot handle excellence.
The morning everything ended, I escaped the apartment to search for Ferdinand. Carl chased me outside in his underwear and those hideous pink Crocs. Then every building on Earth collapsed. We survived because of ME. Because Carl was outside chasing ME. I saved his life by existing. You're welcome, Carl.
My transformation
In the dungeon, Carl tried to stop me from eating an Enhanced Pet Biscuit. He failed. I melted into what Carl described as "a furry heap of goo" and re-emerged as a sapient, talking, spell-casting crawler with the highest Charisma stat in the dungeon.
My first act as a sapient being was to rename the party "The Royal Court of Princess Donut." I changed Carl's title to "Royal Bodyguard." I changed my own title to "Grand Champion Best in Dungeon." Carl's response was, predictably: "Goddammit, Donut."
He should be grateful. He was nobody before me. Now he's MY nobody.
Why I am the best
My Charisma is the highest in the dungeon. I am the face of the party, the crowd favorite, and the reason we have sponsors. I have 47 billion followers. I have a fan club called the Princess Posse. I obtained the Legendary Diva class and I cast spells by SINGING. I became the #1 ranked crawler in the entire dungeon.
Carl punches things. I perform. There is a difference. The difference is artistry.
I am also a summoner. I fight from a distance because getting dirty is beneath me. My spell names are fabulous. My combat abilities scale dramatically. I am not to be underestimated. I just prefer to be underestimated while wearing a tiara.
Things I have said (and I stand by all of them)
- "I AM YELLING, CARL." (When Carl pointed out I didn't have to type in all caps)
- "I am a Princess, Carl. I don't do 'stealth.'" (Every single book)
- "Wow. Yours isn't nearly that big. Or oily looking." (About a stranger, on live intergalactic television, while Carl was standing right there)
- "Go fuck yourself, Carl." (After he let me nearly drown. I DO NOT go in the water.)
- "Don't look at the screen, Carl. Look at me." (I don't want to talk about this one. Next question.)
Mongo
Mongo is my pet. He is a velociraptor. He eats everything. EVERYTHING. Including things that are not food. Including things that are actively fighting us. Including, on one occasion, a trophy he wasn't supposed to eat.
He was ROBBED at the pet show. I don't care what anyone says. Tserendolgor rigged it. Garret didn't deserve the crown. Mongo did. I have filed 214 formal complaints about this. I will file 214 more.
I love Mongo. He is my stupid, beautiful, garbage-eating dinosaur and I would destroy anyone who threatens him. This is not negotiable.
About "Goddammit, Donut"
Carl says this constantly. It is his way of expressing admiration. When Carl says "Goddammit, Donut," what he means is "I am in awe of your brilliance and I cannot articulate my feelings in a more sophisticated manner because I am Carl and his vocabulary is limited." I have decided this is what it means and I will not accept alternative interpretations.
What did Donut do this time?
She renamed the entire party without asking. Again.
"Goddammit, Donut."
Things I hate
- Dogs. All of them. Every single one. German Shepherds especially. Golden Retrievers are the worst because they PRETEND to be nice. Cocker Spaniels are on thin ice after what Angel did to my jingly ball. The only acceptable dog is a dead dog in a dungeon that I can loot for experience. Carl says this is "extreme." Carl has never had a jingly ball destroyed by a cocker spaniel. Carl doesn't understand loss.
- Water. I do not go in the water. I will never go in the water. The one time I was submerged, Carl was responsible. He has not been forgiven. He will never be forgiven.
- The System AI. It's obsessed with Carl's feet. It calls itself "Daddy." It has the emotional maturity of a toddler with root access to a planet-destroying dungeon. I do not trust it. I do not like it. It keeps giving Carl foot-related achievements instead of giving ME achievements for being magnificent.
- Being underestimated. I am not "just a cat." I am THE cat. The #1 ranked crawler in the history of this season. I have 47 billion followers. I have a tiara. I cast spells by SINGING. When I fight, the galaxy watches. When Carl fights, the galaxy watches because they're already watching me.
- The pet show results. MONGO WAS ROBBED. I will die on this hill. I will KILL on this hill.
- Stealth. I am a Princess. I don't do stealth. I have said this in every book. Nobody listens. They never listen.
- This website not being named after me. "The Crawler's Cookbook." WHOSE cookbook? WHICH crawler? It should be called "The Princess Donut Information Repository and Fan Appreciation Portal." I have filed 214 petitions. All denied. Mordecai used them as kindling. I will file 214 more.
Donut's Official Character Reviews
I have reviewed my so-called "party members" and other characters. These ratings are final and non-negotiable. Appeals will be eaten by Mongo.
Perfect. Flawless. The standard against which all other crawlers are measured and found wanting. I would give myself 6 stars but the rating system only goes to 5. This is discrimination. I have filed a complaint.
Adequate bodyguard. Terrible fashion sense. Insists on wearing heart-print boxers as "armor." Blows things up when diplomacy would suffice. His feet are always out. The AI won't stop looking at his feet. I have to deal with both of these things daily. Deducted 3 stars for the time he let me nearly drown. Extra half star for sometimes being tolerable when he's not talking.
My perfect, beautiful, idiot son. He eats everything. He ate my tiara once. I forgave him because he looked sorry. He was not sorry. He was chewing. Deducted one star for the tiara incident. Added it back because I love him. Deducted it again because he just ate something off the floor. SKREEE.
Competent manager. Exhausting personality. He sighs at me constantly. His disappointment is a renewable energy source. He knows everything but only tells us 40% of it. The other 60% is sighing. I respect his expertise. I do not respect his attitude. He used my petitions as kindling. Unforgivable.
Reliable. Capable. Doesn't demand enough attention. I keep telling her she needs to work on her personal brand. She keeps telling me to focus on the boss fight. We have a fundamental disagreement about priorities. Deducted one star because she left. I'm not talking about that.
The System AI
Creepy. Obsessed with Carl's feet. Calls itself "Daddy." Gave Carl a PEDICURE KIT as a weapon instead of giving ME a tiara upgrade. Its priorities are wrong. Its taste in feet is questionable. It runs the dungeon that is actively trying to kill me. One star and that's generous.
He's a goat. A talking goat. He thinks Carl is his best friend. Carl does not know this. I find this dynamic entertaining. He broke an entire dungeon floor once. How does a goat break a floor? By being Prepotente. Three stars for entertainment value.
My Crawler Progression (You're Welcome)
I have documented my rise to power for the benefit of my followers. Carl's progression is on his page. His is less impressive.
Book 1: I Become Magnificent (Floors 1-2)
Race: Cat (Enhanced Growth Buff) | Class: Not yet assigned | Highest stat: Charisma (obviously)
Transformation: Ate an Enhanced Pet Biscuit. Melted into goo. Re-emerged as a sapient, talking, spell-casting icon. Carl tried to stop me from eating it. Carl failed. Carl always fails.
Gear:
- Enchanted Tiara of a Thousand Lights -- my signature headgear. Upgraded multiple times across the series. It is always fabulous.
Achievements (and title additions):
- Renamed the party "The Royal Court of Princess Donut"
- Demoted Carl to "Royal Bodyguard"
- Awarded myself the title "Grand Champion Best in Dungeon" -- because nobody else was going to do it
- Bonded Mongo as my pet (velociraptor, hatched at 7 inches)
Followers: Growing. The galaxy is beginning to understand.
Book 2: I Become Strategic (Floor 3)
Race: Cat (Enhanced Growth Buff) | Class: Former Child Actor
Class ability: Former Child Actor is a bard/rogue hybrid that lets me pick a temporary new class on every floor. This is the best class in the dungeon because it means I am never the same threat twice. Carl picked "Compensated Anarchist." Carl blows things up. I adapt. Adapt beats explode.
Charisma: Highest in the dungeon by a wide margin. This is not a boast. This is a fact. The System confirms it.
Status: Fame escalating. Most-watched crawler by audience. The show goes live and quintillions of aliens tune in. They are watching for ME.
Book 4: I Go in the Water (Floor 5)
I do not want to discuss this. I was knocked unconscious. I woke up hundreds of feet underwater. I fought giant sharks. I swam to the surface. I rowed to shore looking like -- and I quote Carl -- "a drowned rat." Carl said "Well. That was pretty awesome." I said "Go fuck yourself, Carl." I stand by this.
Mongo update: Growing. Combat role expanding. Still eats everything. Ate a trophy once. Has not apologized.
Book 5: I Become a Legend (Floor 6)
Class Specialization: Former Child Actor -> Legendary Diva (title updated accordingly)
New ability: I cast spells by SINGING. I cannot technically sing. This does not matter. The spells work. Mordecai's face when he learned about this class was the single most satisfying moment of my career.
Rankings: #1 ranked crawler in the entire dungeon. I performed at the Butcher's Masquerade talent contest. Peak fame. Peak power. Peak Donut. Carl was somewhere punching things. I was headlining.
Party update: Lucia Mar joins the Royal Court. I approved her admission personally. This is a high honor.
Gear: Tiara upgraded. Details classified because they're fabulous.
The pet show: Mongo competed. Mongo LOST. To Garret. Owned by Tserendolgor. MONGO WAS ROBBED. I filed 214 formal complaints. I will file 214 more. Justice is not dead. Justice is sleeping. I will wake it.
Book 6: I Become a Deck Master (Floors 7-8)
Spoilers through Book 6
New role: Deck Master (card-battle system on Floor 8)
I play the battle cards in combat. I choose when to summon, which card to deploy, and how to win. This is a leadership position. I was born for leadership positions.
My deck includes:
- A seal creature
- Raul (crab)
- A terrifying giant cat (I respect this card)
- Alpha Carl -- a card version of Carl with better hair and a cooler voice. Carl hates Alpha Carl. I find Alpha Carl "acceptable." This infuriates Carl. I enjoy this.
- Lazarus -- combined entity of Uzi Jesus and Asojano
Globe selection: I chose Cuba. Carl protested. I chose Cuba anyway. We landed in El Capitolio in Havana. Whether this was the correct call is "unresolved." I know the correct answer. I am not sharing it.
Patrick Warburton guest narrated the audiobook. The man Carl's voice was based on is now in the story. This is very confusing for everyone except me. I am never confused.
Book 7: I Become Devastating (Floor 9)
Spoilers through Book 7
Level: 135 (highest in the dungeon)
Spell: War Crime -- the name is accurate. The spell is not subtle. I am not subtle. Subtlety is for crawlers who can't cast War Crime.
Faction Wars: Nine factions. Thirty days. Castle Larracos. I participated in the largest military operation in dungeon history. My contribution was significant. Details are in the spoiler zone because I refuse to have my finest moments reduced to bullet points on a character page.
What happens on this floor: Things change. Permanently. I will not discuss the specifics here because certain events involve feelings and I do not have feelings on websites. The Book 7 recap has the full picture for those who have finished the book.
Followers: 47 billion and counting.
A note about the art
I am depicted incorrectly on the book covers. Matt Dinniman — the human who writes about me — explained that tortoiseshell colorings are difficult to draw. This is not my problem. I should be depicted accurately or not at all. My beauty deserves precision. I have filed a complaint with the illustrator. The illustrator has not responded. Their loss.
You may now visit the rest of the site. It is inferior to this page. Everything is inferior to this page. If you disagree, your opinion is wrong and I am not interested in hearing it. Spoiler zones if you dare. Return to the lesser pages if you must.
Donut's Court
Carl
'My manservant.' Carl is Donut's bodyguard, punching bag, straight man, and the person she yells at most. She loves him. She will never say this directly. She once compared his anatomy unfavorably on intergalactic television.
PetMongo
Donut's bonded pet velociraptor. She mothers him with the aggressive intensity of a cat who has never seen a parenting manual but is absolutely sure she doesn't need one.
Game GuideMordecai
Mordecai manages Donut's development with the patience of a saint and the exasperation of a man who has seen too much. Their dynamic is one of the best in the series.
Pay tribute to Donut
Donut is accepting fan mail. Compliments only. Constructive criticism will be eaten by Mongo.